Haii Thurrr xD

Hear me out-

This isn’t a cry out for attention; I am not trying to get sympathy, but am having a hard time making it through the days. I need to free my mind a little because I haven’t really told anyone what has been going on with me lately. I only know a few of my followers personally. I still hope someone can relate to what I’m going through and be here for me… Well I don’t know exactly where to start with this, but my dad has never really been “in” my life. When my parents first met in Texas my father was just let out of rehab for alcoholism, and drug addiction. My mother and father got married and had my older sister Crystal in 1994, she is 18 now; then they had me 2 years later in 1996, I am 16. My dad began drinking again, he is bipolar. He started drinking all day and passing out on the couch. Out of nowhere he would beat the shit out of my mom (for no reason). She didn’t know what to do her family lives up in Pennsylvania. It got to the point where he beat her up so badly she had to call the cops. My father got sent to jail. He was in there for quite some time. Me, my sister, and mom moved up to Pennsylvania to be with her side of the family. Crystal was about 3-4 I was 1-2, we were dirt poor and had to stay with my grandparents for awhile until my mom had enough money to buy our own house. My mother met my step dad Dan; he was in the middle of a divorce. Dan has 2 kids, Joy 27 and Brandon 24. We eventually ended up moving in with him and we transferred schools, by then I was in going into 2nd grade. Well my dad eventually got out of jail; I always have felt like a part of me is missing. My mother and I are not very close; I can’t stand my step dad Dan. My sister Crystal and I are pretty close, although we have our fights. My dad never sent one birthday card, Christmas letter, NOTHING. It hurts really bad… About last June I sent my Dad a letter thinking I have nothing to lose. I have bipolar/mood disorder, we believe was pasted to me from my father. It wasn’t until last year that my mom finally took me to the psychiatrist we have had A LOT of problems trying to get my medicine worked out to see what the best is for me. My last psychiatrist was a cunt and didn’t know how to do shit. She tried telling me what type of mood disorder I have before she even got to know me. She put me on Lamotrigine a non-stimulant mood stabilizer in June. Things got bad and I was very suicidal more than before when they put me on a stimulant Concerta (an off brand of Ritalin) for my ADHD. I began losing a lot of weight I weighted 156, in October & I now weigh 120. I went from barely fitting into size 10 jean, to now wearing 00. People at school started picking on me for being so skinny. People call me anorexic or bulimic. That is hard for me to handle. All my life I have been picked on for being fat, I lost a lot of weight and am now being called anorexic/bulimic… I have no one to turn to, my sister is always with her boyfriend or working, and I already told you me and my parents aren’t close. I had a mental breakdown late November and I went to Western psyche, a mental hospital in Pittsburgh. We went to the emergency clinic we waited from 3 in the afternoon till about 3 in the morning. It was the longest 12 hours of my life… They take your phones, money, belts, strings, hair ties, jewelry, back packs, purses; they search all of your shit. You go through a metal detector and everything… Then they seal it in a bag and put zip strips on it sealing it closed. They put hospital bands around your wrists, then you sit in a waiting room full of crazy people (crazier than me), it was so crowded I had to sit on the floor; it smelt like cat pee. I had 2 TVs to entertain myself but they were cartoons on mute… Finally when I was seen by the doctor she told me that there was nothing they could do other than give me a list of psychiatrists to call. They told me to stop taking the Concerta. We already knew that, we were hoping they could prescribe me a different medicine because the Concerta obviously wasn’t working. I was scared because with the medicine I was more depressed than ever, but if I didn’t take it I was even more depressed… We finally left very angry. I had school the next day and my mom had work (she is a teacher). She called the list of psychiatrists; the earliest appointment would be in March. I couldn’t wait that long I tried sticking it out for awhile; I continued to take the Concerta. I was very depressed I didn’t talk to anyone; soon as I got home from school I hid in my room away from everyone. I didn’t want to hang out with any of my friends I just wanted to disappear. I had another mental breakdown and my mom called the psychiatrist I was waiting to see and said we can’t wait she is worried about me too much. She got me an appointment for about 2 weeks later. It was then around March. My new psychiatrist is very nice she put me on the stimulant Adderall XR for my ADHD it works a lot better. We got my doses worked out for that. Just 2 weeks ago she put me on the stimulant Prozac I have been doing better. I have a therapist now too. Well back to writing to my dad, I wrote to him for awhile and I then told him he could call me. We started talking on the phone around November-December. He has really bad health. He lives in assisted living. He smokes cigarettes and has diabetes. He injured his back awhile ago he has a wheel chair and can’t drive. His diabetes is out of control, he can’t maintain it. On Christmas he had a heart attack and fell onto the floor of his apartment, his who takes him his mail found him there lying on the floor. He went into a coma… He came out of the coma about a week later. He stayed in the hospital; he called me saying he was going to have surgery on his back. He had 2 disc’s removed and replaced, one in his neck, and one in his lower back. In order to remove the disc in his neck and replace it, his muscles, trachea, and esophagus had to be moved out of the way. The surgeons fucked the surgery all up. Last time I talked to him was before Easter. When I talked to him on the phone I could barely understand him. His voice was so raspy, and deep. I felt bad talking to him on the phone because he was having a hard time breathing. For awhile a nurse from the hospital talked for him. When I talked to him he told me he has a feeding tube, and lost 60 pounds. He told me he will recover, I told him to take care and I worry about him. He hasn’t called me since. I’m fearing the worst… My dad’s side of the family is mostly dead from health problems. My uncle that I never knew died a few years ago on Christmas, he never woke up. We still don’t know the cause of his death. The only person alive on my dad’s side is his sister Amilyn she lives in Utah. My mom told me she has contact with my aunt Amilyn. I’m kinda mad she didn’t tell me before but I decided to text her asking how my dad is about a week ago, she called me an hour or so later my first time ever talking to my Aunt was good. I realized I have so much in common with her it’s crazy. However she said my dad is not doing well at all, he’s getting worse. He is unable to even attend physical therapy is the hospital. She said he doesn’t have till probably June… He just lays there in the hospital bed dying with no one by his side. Can you imagine how depressing that would be? She also said she’d would love for me, my sister, and mom to all go down and meet. I have wanted this all my life… Of course I agreed with her on it. She added me on Facebook, now we are officially friends exclusively… She messaged me on Facebook the next day and told me she wants my mom to call her. I told her my mom is a tuff cookie but I’ll tell her. So I told her but I didn’t say why… So she called Amilyn, and I overheard some of the conversation. It seemed like it was going pretty well. I only heard part of it. My mom was on the phone with her for a good half hour… I sat in my room and cried thinking about the thought of me seeing my dad for the first, and last time… It scares the shit out of me. My mom didn’t say a word to me after she got off the phone. I noticed she was crying though… I messaged Amilyn on Facebook the next day asking how the talk went and she said really well and for me to keep my fingers crossed. Of course I am! I think I’m scared to face the reality of my dad dying… I know what he did to my mom is terrible; I hate him for abusing her. But it is not like my step dad acts like a father figure to me. He is just there that’s it. Like I told you before me and my mom are not close… Do you know how many times I cried myself to sleep hoping some day I could see my dad? Too many for me to count. The fact that he is dying crushes my dreams. I think that by me going to see my dad would be good for me some type of closure. If I get to see him before he dies I can at least say I tried knowing him… I can’t think of anything I have wanted more than this… HE IS MY DAD FOR CHRISTS SAKES! I don’t believe in God, but I am praying that I get to see him and that he might just maybe make it through this, and recover… I don’t know what to think about this… I have never been in this situation before… I feel like I can tell someone how I feel or what has been going on with me. But they would have no impact on it. They can’t fix things for me. So why should I even open my mouth. I feel like no one understands me and like I am all alone. I feel like I am wasting my breath when I am pouring my heart out to someone. Or telling someone something I didn’t tell anyone before. I don’t see anything good coming from it because I have been hurt so many times. I can’t trust anyone. I feel like people say they know what you’re going through but they really don’t because they are not you… They cannot change the situation you are in all they can do is listen. I wasn’t planning on writing this much… So I am sorry if it took forever for you to read this. But if there is anyone out there that will help me through this I would greatly appreciate it because words can help someone more than you think…